Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
