cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
