I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
