Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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