did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize