Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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