My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
