Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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