Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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