I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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