I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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