I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
