I just cut my nipple shaving
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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