You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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