No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
