I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
