I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
