____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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