i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
