my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
