Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
