I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
