I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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