Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
