apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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