it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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