Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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