Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
