Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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