Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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