a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
