I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
