he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
