dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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