I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
