i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
