Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
