His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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