I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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