pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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