It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
