I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
