just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
