Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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