My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
