remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
