my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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