omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
