I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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