it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
