Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
