I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
