...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
