Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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