my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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