I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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