I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
