mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
