I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
