all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
