It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We left the knife in your bed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
