A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
