Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
