birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
